bipolar moment.

do you even kno how hard i fell for you ? your the best thing that ever happened to me. & sometimes you make me wanna kill myselg cus i js dont kno what todo at all. you you caould make me smile and laugh so hard my cheeks hurt. or you make me cry so hard till my eyes burn. sometimes i js wanna say fuck it and run away. but at the same time i js wanna be in your arms. i dont kno sometimes.. but i still believe no matter what that your my first love. we have had more good times than badwe look at the bad times to test our love. and we passed(= baby. its almost a year. we've done so much. but yenno, you always say that you feel like we're drifting apart. are we really ? or you js wanna think that. idk anymore. & when you say "when i talk to you, its like im talking to a friend." when you that.. its like saying you see ME as a friend. wtf am i suppoedd to say to that.. you make me bipolar babe. haha. but i lovve you with all my heart. i wish somehow i could show you. i js dont kno how. i love you babe. you'll never know how i much i do.

im freaakin out.

okae i dont kno what to say right now. so party this saturday right ? "Rara" litto brothers. alright. i was just a little scared w/ that part. POOL PARTY ? holy shit, im just fcking scared all the way. what if she touches you ? what if she says something about you ? what if she makes a move ? baby, your askin me if im alright, if im okae with it, if your aloud to go. yeah yeah yeah, i say YEAH. but am i really ? i dont want you to miss out on parties of your old friends just because im uncomfertable with it. so i say yeah. but yenno, im hella freakin out right now. like no joke. on the phone, i was NOT okae. but you kno what, im trusting you. like im hella trusting you like never before. if she does anything, i doubt you'll tell me, but please tell me. so i kno you aint hiding things. but man, im freakin out right now. i just hope nothing bad happens. or at least the things i THINK that will happen wont. just behave. please, just behave. im trusting you.

<3

damn, can you believe we made it through the school year ? together. we fought through those rough times, and all the shit we've been through. i never knew i could do that until i met you. this year, has been the best year ive experienced in so long. & you were with me the whole waay. even though we had our depressing moments, we still made it baby! haha, you wiped away my tears, you put a smile on my face everyday, and we took care of me even when i didnt need it. i love you and thank you so much. this summer, i dont kno how im gonna survive not seeing you. its just so hard. i long to talk to you at least for five minutes. but when you hang up, i get so sad cus those 5 minutes, felt like 5 seconds. everyday i wanna kiss your soft lips. just to be in your arms when you give me those wonderful hugs. every night i wish i could just sneak out with you and look up at the sky with you. right now, as you can prlly tell, i want to be with you. and never let go. i miss you so much. you dont even kno how much.



i love you baby.

imma miss it all.

i wanna join band again for next year. imma miss those band reviews where me and Brittney have surprise sex. hahaha. or immma miss those rape moments in the shower.. "ooops, i dropped the soap." lol. hilarious.. or when we get into trouble almost getting disqualified or dancing on the tables and getting complaints from the jamba juice people. OR hiding in the bus. OR stalking people. OR juss running around be plain stupid cus we have nothing else to do. ill miss when stupid ass Sullivan kids said they was gonna get people on us cus we said they sucked. THATS WHY WE FUCKING BEAT YOU. ha. yeah. imma miss it all. or maybe ill miss Mr. Hunt rubbing his stomach and yellin at us. ha. thats the most hilarious thing ever. next to when Nathon talks to Ms. Pinkerton.. gawsh shes hilarious..


man, if i dont really like my classes next year, imma join band again.. ill miss it. expecailly i wanna be able to go to Great America again.

its hard to realize..

now, whenever i see you, i start to tear up, but i try to hold it back. whenever i hear your voice, i choke on my words and i dont kno what to say anymore. i dont want to cry anymore. somehow, i wanna forget you but at the same time i juss wanna be with you. the hugs you give me, it feels so right, but yet so wrong cus we are not together. i kno there wont be anymore of those warm kisses you give me each and every day.. its hard to even talk to you right now cus its so different. its hard to explain how i feel about you.. but i want you back. i really doo. but i kno its not that easy. i dont ever kno if we will get back together. but i hope we will. i realize the mistakes i did. and im truly sorry. i dont ever wanna treat you that way ever again. thats why i want you to find another girl. more better than me. i dont deserve you. it hurts me to say that, but its so true. and dont deny it. because if i was the right girl, we would still be together. but no, we arent.


i dont kno if im repeating myself, but what im trying to say is, i cry when i see you, i cry when i hear your voice. i dont want to cry anymore. but i wanna be with you. and, im truly sorry for the wrong things i did to you. and you deserve better. you really do.

May 9, 2008.

today was ABSOLUTLY horrible. i never knew i could feel so much pain all in one day. im sorry you cant trust me. but do you really expect me to keep so many secrets from my BEST friend? you tell Andy everything dont you. i dont get mad. im sorry. i didnt kno i could cry for so long. all day. imma miss those times we spent together. all those walks home. our babies. our mall times. the movies. at carls jr. times we sneaked making out and sometimes we got caught. our phone calls. late night convos about stupid shit. our fights. your kisses. your hugs. we had so much planned out. our future together. our promises are now broken. our summer. our plans. we had so much. almost 9months. all that now dissappeared. i kno you couldnt handle it anymore. but at least we coulda tried. i loved you so much. i dont even kno if this is a fer shure thing. i didnt want it to end. ill never forget any of it tho. i dont regret going out with you. your my first love. ill remember it always. expecially our flower in the creek. ill never forget that. that was such a special moment. our first valentines day. our first christmas together. our first everything. ill never forget you. ill love you for all and eternity. even tho i think that we coulda lasted stronger.. i guess i have to support your choice. in order to love someone, you have to respect their decision.. so i guess i have to let you go. but i cant..



i can barely look at you, or your family, or any of your best friends. they all remind me of you. its that bad. i packed all your stuff, and put it in a box. i cant look at it. none of our pictures. none of your shirts, or necklace, or anything.. i kept our babies out tho.. they dont deserve to be in a box. they didnt do anything wrong.. i love you. Ralph.. its sad i cant call you babe or baby anymore..

i love you.

im sorry.

Baby,


there are no words to explain how much i love you. but you kno i do right..? those guys..? juss are friends. they dont mean anything to me. YOUR more special than them. and David..? im real sorry bout that. i didnt realize it till ya told me. imma try my best to stop. i dont wanna loose your trust ever again. i promise imma gain it back. SOMEWAY. SOMEHOW. i promise babe.


i love you. im not ready to lose you. i dont ever want to. imma try my best to not fck up anything anymore.

i swear on my life.